finally.

Finally, the year is drawing to a close. boy am i glad its over! 2008 has been a pretty long year for me with practically NOTHING going on in my life. no milestones. no major achievements. no memories. nothing worth treasuring. 2008 has basically been a boring bad year for me. it has been nothing more than just a long journey.

started with my completion of National Service, followed by my stint as a teacher and finally the beginning of my life as a student. and somewhere along the way, my friends left me here to study abroad and those who remained got on my nerves and i ended up leaving them and the rest, i simply couldn't care less. but finally! its all drawing to a close. my true friends are coming back and those who've hurt me, have been forgiven. school looks promising and everything seems to fall in place. so, 2009 seems to be quite a promising year for me.

as for my love life, i heeded some of the advice given and i had a heart to heart talk with my boyfriend. i finally got the guts to tell him about me having a slight problem being commitment-phobic. i told him that i detest it everytime he talks about marriage or our future together or even me being his one true love. though it may be sweet, it is kinda pressurising for me and i don't like it. i want to just love him for what he is now and enjoy the times we are together now, here in the present. and whatever happens with us in the future, we'll deal with it when it comes. if we're meant to be together, and the time is right, of cuz i'd marry him. but i can't give an answer now. i won't make promises i can't keep. for now, i am still young. there are so many things i've not done. so many mistakes i have yet to commit. and i want to do all that. i've got my education as my top priority right now so everything else can wait. after that, i've got to built my career and whilst all this hussle and bussle, i need to work on my ultimate goal which is moving to Canada. and after all of this, will i think of settling down. i would love to have someone to go through this journey with. and whoever i end the journey with will be the person whom i would want to spend the rest of my life with. but till then, let us just enjoy our times together.

to all my friends out there,where ever in the world you may be, Happy New Year! and may 2009 bring us all blessings, love and endless smiles.

love,
lyas

a new beginning..

i love new years. its the time of year where you leave the past behind and hope for the better in the coming year. 2008 has been a challenging but good year for me. a lot of things happened. some of them happy. some of them sad. but all of it taught me how to be a better person and has prepared me with the skill necessary to survive in this dog-eat-dog world.

the year started out with me leaving the army. it was a momentous step for me. it marks the beginning of my life as an adult. a lot of decisions to be made and all of it with potential set backs and consequences. after that, i started my teaching stint at a secondary school and also as a tutor. it was this period of time that i realise that although i have the passion to teach, it may not necessarily be my choice of career. the stress that comes along with the job kills the passion for teaching. but nonetheless, i am keeping the option open.

having completed my sojourn, i embarked on my journey as an undergraduate at nus. school was hell. i dreaded every moment of it. the combination of work-related stress and competitive, pretentious peers and the pressure to perform gave me a constant headache. i can safely say that i did not enjoy my first year in college AT ALL! what happened to the joys of learning...i wonder... though i did pretty ok for my exams, i am not satisfied because, even at this stage i am still learning for the sake of exams! i detest that. why can't i just learn stuff out of interest and really gain knowledge and apply it to life. this shall be my goal in the coming year.

what i look forward to in 2009, my true self. i want to find out who i am truely. i want to do things that makes me happy and screw what everyone else thinks. i am sick and tired of living my life by their rules! watch out world, here i come! although i may not have gotten the scholarship by UBC, i am going to find a way to get my hot bubble butt to canada! mark my words! =P

love is in the air

i haven't been blogging for a long time. ever since i came back, i just can't seem to find anything to talk about. yes, my life is that boring. i've been spending a lot of time with my family and my boyfriend. my cousin got married yesterday so i was kind of occupied with helping out with the wedding and stuff. the whole event turned out to be a blast! it was so romantic and meaningful to me. yesterday, i realise that a wedding is more than just a celebration of love between two people who are beginning their next chapter in life with each other. a wedding, also signifies the unification of two families. it is a point in our lives where we welcome a new member into our family.

after watching the solemnization ceremony and the exchanging of vows, i wondered, what will my wedding be like? i have never attended a gay wedding befor and would certainly liek to know how it feels like. somehow, weddings make me very excited. i love weddings! but i don't really want to get married, yet, at least! =P hahaha... i want children but i don't really want a wife/husband, yet. how do i achieve these? is it even possible? haha

i've been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend recently. we caught the movie ,'YesMan', by Jim Carey. it was hilarious yet so insightful. we had long talks and i helped him clear out the junk in his room and we went furniture shopping to give his room a make over. sometimes, i wonder, what would he do without me. oh well...

on a different note, i just wanted to say that, i am in love with the new song, lovestory, by Taylor Swift! the song is uber hot! loves it!

Question: when do you think is the right time to settledown?

it feels good to be back!

i'm finally back from the long tedious holiday. i am so tired, i swear i hate holidays with my family. i had a good time shopping and sight-seeing but the part where i had to play babysitter to three 4 year old cousins of mine, ain't that much fun. i mean, they are cute and all but children can be so tiring! i had to watch so many cartoons, i swear, one more sight of bugs bunny and i will be suicidal!

while i was in KL, i did some soul-searching and i tried to find myself again and hopefully discover why i'm so unhappy with my life. what i found out, scared me to death. i figured that am a person without a self. all this while, for the past 21 years, i've been living my life based on what others have set for me. be it my parents, my friends, the people around me, basically everyone. apart from myself. i found out that i have been living my life from the outside looking into myself rather than from the inside looking out. and this might be the reason why i am always so unsatisfied with my life.so, from today onwards, i am going to change that. i am going to focus on what i like and what makes me happy not because its what others would feel but because i truly am happy with it. so, everyday, i will write about something that makes me happy.

today, a couple of great things happened that made me happy. one, i spent last night at my sister's and we spent the entire night talking about stuff and how our lives have been thus far and things like that. having someone like her to talk to makes me happy. i just like to express my thoughts and at times share my problems with someone. so, thank you sis!

two, i baked apple pie today (with the help of my sis of cuz) but i didn't manage to take any pictures before it was all finished! baking makes me happy. its so orgasmic and therapeutic!

three, i went back to my army camp today to visit my friends. it was so nice to catch up with friends you've lost contact with and see how they've changed. i met my understudy, so is working hard to maintain the empire i built with my bare hands. its nice to know that you're hardwork and sacrifice is being appreciated sometimes! i met my warrant officer. although he can be a slave-driver, evil and demanding pain in the ass sometimes, most of the time, i actually like him a lot. he's dedicated, serious,hardworking and takes pride in his work and i really admire him as a father! kudos to you, encik!

and finally, i met up with my guy. i decided to heed the advice given by some of my online friends and try to work my relationship out. and i think, we made progress today. he talked, i listened, we had dinner together and we went up to his place. he held me ever so tightly and i felt all warm and fuzzy inside. and we basically just laid in his bed hugging all night and just enjoying each other.he asked if i'd marry him. but of cuz, being the realist that i am, i told him i don't the answer right now. i mean, we are still young. we have a whole lifetime ahead, i can't be certain if we'll still be together then but that does not mean i won't. what i mean is, this like this, i can't promise, but if it does happened, then i'll be very happy. i'm glad he understood what i meant.

i am a very happy boy today!

my boyfriend.

I received a wonderful surprise tonight. my parents decided to drop the bombshell and told me over dinner just now that we're heading off to Genting Land, Malaysia tomorrow for a short weekend trip. hence, i decided to put in another entry today since i won't be able to do so over the next few days. although i'll still be bringing along my Mac, i don't think i'll be able to blog with my parents hovering.

so, since the whole thing was last minute, i had to make some arrangements. i got my BF to stay over my place to take care of my cats and i had to meet up with my friends since i won't be able to meet them over the weekend. and as always, talking to my friends just make me think.

after much deliberation, i finally decided that i'm gonna give my guy a chance. i've decided that i want to rekindle the love we used to have work things out. so, for starters, i shall give a brief introduction into how we came about as a couple...

it all started in february 2007. i was in army (unfortunately, i can't disclose the unit). just about starting my 2nd year of service. this guy called Wan was just posted into my unit. he was cute. but unfortunately, i hated him and i always thought that he was a little antisocial. but the funny thing was, he thought i was the unfriendly one. so we started off on the wrong foot. then, my supervisor, somehow made me in-charge of managing an event for my unit and i needed help. so i brought up the issue to my boss and my boss assigned Wan to me.

so while i was busy coordinating the whole event from the budgeting, to finding the location,entertainment, decoration, food and all the crap, Wan kinda helped me through everything. being the calm, patient and tolerant person that he is, he actually complimented me a lot as i'm the type of person who is basically a hot-tempered perfectionist. so we worked late a lot together. and on valentines' day, he was in a dilemma because we had to work but he had other plans with his GF (yes, he was straight at that time). so i somehow convinced him that i needed him around to settle stuff and made a card for him to give to his gf as a valentines' day gift since he had no time to get a proper one. btw, it was a nice card. (i'm talented. i know.) =p...

one thing led to another and i started to fall for him. then, a few weeks later, he broke of the relationship with his gf because she was going overseas and didnt want a long distance r/s. so poor Wan was all alone in army. that was when i offered him a shoulder to cry on and we ended up really spending a lot of time together. it was after the whole event that we were organising was over, i decided to confide my feelings for him. it took me a lot of courage but i did. at first, he didnt know how to react because he was my friend but he was not gay. and he did not want to hurt my feelings.

weeks went by and i was in total depression because i couldnt see myself without him. and the worst part was, we work together. so its hard for me not to look at him and not feel hurt. so i cried a lot and i avoided him where ever possible. until, one day, 3rd May 2007, i decided to ask him if he gave some thought about my proposal and he finally replied my SMS saying, " why not? you are a nice person and i've got nothing to lose". it was at night after lights out. but i couldn't sleep the entire night.

days went by and we really started to get to know each other and since we a both new to this thing ( i knew i was gay a long time ago but just never had a bf), we didnt know how to behave. and every morning, i will take the extra effort to wake up early so that i could catch up with him for breakfast and i would time myself really well so that when i go to the toilet for shower i would be able to peek into his bunk window and watch him change into his uniform! yummy! he used to make me smile so wide...

then, one night, we booked in together. i had to go to my table in the office as i left my cell there and he offered to accompany me. so then, both of us were in the office in the dark. it was in the heat of the moment and we kissed our first kiss! so passionate! i could taste it till today! and from that moment on, we had many other experiences. the office at night was the one place we could be passionate with each other. we kissed, and even slept together in the office (mind you, this is within an army camp). i miss those days... where we would sneak into the toilet in the middle of the night and would shower together and then sneak into the office and just snuggle together on the sofa...

so, basically, thats how our relationship started.then, i ord-ed. it was hard for us as we could not see each other as often. but i started to get busy with my work as a teacher and he, being trapped in army and all that. then eventually i started school again and basically, i was too busy with my own life while he was stuck in camp all alone. it was at this moment where i felt that he was expecting too much from me. he wanted me to call him from time to time but i can't because of my schedule i began to resent meeting him as it felt like a chore. many times, i wanted to call things off but thinking of our history, i just cant let go. and each day he reminds me of how much he loves me and can't live without me. and me, i love him too. but i don't like it when our relationship becomes a routine. where has the passion gone to? we do have sex from time to time but it just isn't the same...

i think too much when i'm bored.

the past few days has been nothing but a bore! my goodness... to think that i actually look forward for school to start! i am that bored!!! so anyway, i started some readings for next semester... loser-ish as that sounds, i'm trying to find ways to kill time.

and i've been gossip girls with my sister like crazy!! and believe it or not, that show got me thinking quite a bit! firstly, i am sick and tired of playing matchmaker for my friends and seeing them all happy while i remain as lonely as ever.

secondly, its not that i don't love my boyfriend but its just that i don't feel the spark anymore. and i dont see our future. but i cant bring myself to leave him... what if he is the right one? what if i don't fnd any other love? hmmm.. i didnt even tell him about my plans to move to canada in the future...

speaking of that, i really need help in building my portfolio to make the migration much easier. i now i'm still way ahead of time. but i guess its never too soon to start rite? i'm thinking of moving over as a skilled worker...but i have no idea where i should start! this whole thing is killing me!

and yeah! i need to make big bucks soon! so anyone who knows stuff bout investments and forex and the likes, HELP ME! hahaha

Eid Adha

Today is Eid Adha, a day to celebrate and commemorate Hajj for the Muslims. as a Muslim myself, i would like to dedicate this post to tell people of the beauty of Islam and the significance of todays celebration.

i was inspired to write this right after my morning prayers today and was bombarded by questions from my non-muslim friends about the significance of Eid Adha. apart from the great food and company, the main theme of the celebration is Sacrifice. yes, sacrifice in every sense of the word, physically, mentally and emotionally.

as muslims, we are often reminded that no matter what we do in our lives, we should do it in the name of God, to bring benefit not only to ourselves, but also for those around us. and one of they ways that we can do this is through sacrifice. Physical sacrifice can be anything from giving of our time to donating of money or food. An example would be how a father sacrifices his time and effort to work and earn a living for his family. and for all those shopaholics out there, when you see something really expensive that you really really want but decided not to buy it so that the money could be used in other ways to benefit others, that is sacrifice as well.

Mental sacrifice involves us controlling our urges against doing things that are against God's will. by doing so, we are putting God before our own desires and is thus, thought as a sacrifice because we are considered to be doing a selfless act. for example, have you ever been in a club, surrounded by friends who are taking alcohol and somehow, you just feel like having a sip, but in your head, you keep telling yourself that you can't and you won't because God said alcohol is damaging to your body as well as to all those around you? if this has happened to you, then you are considered to have carried out a mental sacrifice. that brings us to the story of Hagar, the wife of Abraham, and her son, Ishmail. one day, when Ishmail was dying of thirst, Hagar ran between two hills in the blazing sun of the desert in search of water for her son. after running 7 times, but to no avail, she refuse to give up and instead of blaming God (like most of us would), she accepted it as a challenge and continued to pray and kept her faith in God. because of that, God sprang up Zamzam water out of no where to reward her and till today, we the children of Abraham are still able to enjoy this spring.

that brings us to the third type of sacrifice, and that is emotional sacrifice. Emotional sacrifice involves us, accepting fate and being determined to pull through any challenges put forth before us believing that God will help us through and that believing that God will keep his promise that good always comes after a turmoil.

Finally, the customary act of slaughtering a sheep during Eid Adha is the best representation of sacrifice. it emcompasses physical, emotional and mental sacrifice. by slaughtering a sheep, we are carrying out physical sacrifice because the meat of the sheep is used to feed the less fortunate. it is also a form of mental and emotional sacrifice because as much as we want to feel sad and pity for the sheep, we are told that we cannot have such emotions in us as we carry out the ritual because we must believe that the sheep, will be in the hands of God and will feel no pain. and that ultimately, the sheep is a gift from God given to us as food and we should share it by feeding the poor. and thus, we should not feel pity but be thankful for His Blessing.

Having been brought up in a Christian school, i understand that many believe that Islam is a cruel and violent religion. but i beg to differ. To me, this religion is all about sacrifice,selflessness and love for humanity and all other creations of God. it requires us to sit down and look at a situation from many different angles before making a judgement. and ultimately, we will be able to see the greater good. something beyond our comprehension but yet we know it exist. i think, it is every Muslims' dream to find out the reasons behind the very many rituals we have to perform and our ultimate purpose. but i believe, that God will only reveal that purpose to those that He deems worthy of such knowledge and have made numerous sacrifices in order to get that knowledge. but to those who do not have faith or give up easily, they will never fully comprehend or understand the beauty of this religion.

everything is gonna be alright

today was quite an unexpected day. i started the day thinking that it was gonna be just me going over to my boyfriend's place and just slacking around watching dvd. but instead, a turn of events took place that led me to believe that may be the future ain't gonna be that bleak after all.

i woke at 8-ish and made my way to Wan's place. he was still asleep when i arrived. i took the liberty to change into his boxers and snuggled in between his sheet and catch 40 winks myself. that ended up to both of us sleeping all the way to mid-day. somehow,i just love the way that he hugs me...so warm... but anyway, we were actually awakened by my friends call asking me to accompany him to the airport to send off one of our other friend who is going over to LA for exchange. this was not part of my agenda. i told Wan and he practically forced me to go... so we had lunch, which was basically Indian Rojak, and i met up with my friend and made my way to the airport.

there, i met up with A LOT of people... i even made up with my childhood friend and we ended up talking and catching up with lost times...so after my friend checked in, my friend and i left for Ben & Jerry's Chunkfest @ Fort Canning...the event alright i guess...far too many people and the weather was just too gloomy...so we did not stay long.

After that, my friend met up with his girlfriend, while i, my boyfriend. Wan and I went to Plaza Singapura to do some shopping and we ended bumping into my friend and his GF... hahaha...it was so funny because my friend does not know that the guy i was with is my BF. so we ended up hanging out at the B&J's at The Cathay... i was kinda nervous because my BF and my frenz have never met and i was worried at first. but after a few awkward moments, everyone kinda chilled and we ended up laughing our lungs out! so, we had so much fun together plus the live music at the Scoopers' lounge was actually good... phew! thank you B&J for your wonderful ice-cream and great music! i wondr what would have happened without you!

so, today, after my BF meeting my friends and both parties enjoying each others company, my initial fear of them not liking each other is actually brushed aside and i can look forward for brighter days hanging out with bith my friends and BF! yeah! I'm a happy boy!

hi hi! today, i feel revitalised! i've decided that people come and go. but those who remain are those that are truly worth treasuring! so, i would like to thank those who are still around, for staying around. love you lots!

today, i did absolutely nothing! and i loved it! hahaha... i woke up really late and the first thing i did was watch Grey's Anatomy! i love it so bad. after that, i had a call from my french lecturer asking me to go to campus to collect my papers. so i did. i swear i hate school! i practically went there, collected my paper and went straight out! hahha... i just can't stand it. but anyways, i'm gonna persevere and find reason to continue staying there. i should start hanging out by the pool =)...

after that, i met Marco for dinner. sometimes, i really feel that he'd be my perfect boyfriend. handsome... hot bod. super caring. rich.... i remembered, in Switzerland, when i kinda left my gloves at the hotel by accident, he was sweet enough to give me his and ended up getting frost bites! and during my college days, he'd call me every night to make sure i get enough rest. and we'd spend so much time together, reading, baking... and plus, recently, he's turn really metro and has become my latest shopping whore. but too bad...he has a girlfriend! that bitch better be nice to him! hahah...i'm beginning to sound like a jealous boyfriend...how odd...

thats Marco baking...

my delicious oreo cheesecake

my first peach cheesecake...want some?

today was day 2 of domesticating myself. today, i baked! i made peach cheesecake and oreo cheesecake. i took some pictures but lost the mood to actually post them up. somehow, i can't help but be affected by why everyone is leaving me. or is it, i'm not moving fast enough... hmm...

all my good friends are abroad and those i have around me are leaving for greener pastures. that leaves me alone here... i find friends in cyberspace but how much do they actually know me? or rather howmuch do i actually know them? and more often then not, even before an actual relationship is actually formed, it all comes to an end...hmm... why do good things always have to end? why do i repulse me? i just wonder....

i'm sorry for being so down today...i can't help it. i have always loved the holiday season but every year, shit happens. i am slowly losing my faith in the magic of christmas? geez... i am in major need of a motivating factor to tell me that life is still worth living and it wont just crash on me...

this christmas, all i wish is for all those who are important to me, to be happy with all the decisions that they make and that they will treasure all their loved ones and hopefully, spread the joys and love to all those who are in need of them! if i'm gonna be sad, at least make my friends feel happy...

my dramatic life!

hi guys, its currently 230 am in Singapore but i just have to blog tonight cause i've disappeared for far too long! i hope you guys missed me. i know, i'm shameless sometimes. but anyways, i'm gonna write a pretty long post with lots of pictures, so embrace yourself.

so on Sunday, my cousins and i went out for the all-favourite local past time, and that is, cycling! yes! i went cycling in hopes of shaping my butt up. i picked them up at 9-ish and we went to East Coast beach. the day looked pretty sunny and i thought i was gonna get a nice tan! but as it turned out, while cycling, it suddenly poured cats and dogs and we were all drenched! i'm telling you, Singapore's weather is so screwed up, i swear the apocalypse is coming soon! so after that we went to the airport for lunch and i sent them home and went home to rest.

my sweet cousins

ok ok... here's the super-cheesy jumping shot...

don't get the wrong idea. he's my cousin!

however, even before i lay in bed, my bf, Wan, called. he said he wanted me to go over his place and gave the excuse that he missed me. since i have yet to meet him that, i thought, why not... so as tired as i was, i made my way over to his place. once i arrived, we hugged and kissed and i said i wanted to rest. so i laid on his bed he started massaging me...(this is why i fell in love with him in the first place)... so one thing led to another and moments later, we were both naked. he wanted to make love but i said, i had no energy. so he ended up fondling me ( which felt HEAVENLY!) and i cum all over myself minutes later. after that, he cum on me as well and i was covered in cum all over! he was sweet enough to clean me up after that (yes, i'm that pampered). after that, he made me hot cocoa and we watched Grey's Anatomy Season 4 DVD while he snuggled beside me. now you see why its so hard for me to leave him? so anyways, that night he sent me home and slept like a pig!

today, i woke up at around 10 and decided to train myself to be a dedicated, domesticated husband for my future hubby (whoever he may be). so i started off my day by giving my 3 sweet babies a good bath! that alone took me 2 whole hours!that's kiki asking for a tummy rub.

this is schnappi looking all pretty

two girls on my bed...every guys dream! hahaha

thats the playboy patches

and this is again kiki after i shaved her! hahaha

after which, i decided to clean my room from all the exam-mess i created over the whole of last month! see! my room's all pretty now!

my little office

my cozy bed..too big for one person...hmmm =P

later, to reward myself, i met my friend for dinner and the worst thing happened! i had seafood noodle and believe it or not, i had a fish bone stuck to the back of my throat! like, who knew fish fillet has bones! so anyway, it hurt pretty bad. so i went to my family doctor (who is very pretty by the way) and he told me that he can't locate it and transfered me to the hospital. and this was at 11pm just now.

at the hospital, that stupid doctor also said that he can't see the bone so ordered an x-ray for me. after what seemed like hours, the x-ray results came and they had to call a specialist to pull out the bone! and guess what! the F***king bone, was only 0.5cm! it was so puny! and it cost me a total of $75! can you believe my luck?

so, that's what has been going on in my oh-so-dramatic life the past 2 days! i hope you guys enjoyed it and remember, please be careful when you're eating fish!