reflection

I watched “rak heng siam” or” Love of Siam” today with my bestfriend. And I managed to do ome thinking and some reflection. The reason why I was so attracted to the show was not only because my idol acted in it or the fact that the story was in thai but also because the story touches on a very important issue in life that we all know exist but somehow, we manage to deceive ourselves to believe that we know what it means.

After watching the show, I told myself that I need to pen down my thoughts because I feel that its important for me to remember these thoughts before I immerse myself with the other unimportant events in my life. The showed me the complexity of this thing called love. Something that I thought I understood but only to realize that I cannot comprehend its true meaning. The show portrayed the relationships within a family and the different dynamics that exist between the different members of the family. It also touches on the importance of friendship and of cause, it talks about the difficulties of romantic relationships.

Looking at the relationship that Tong had with his sister reminded me of the lost relationship that I had with my sister who is no longer in my life. I understood why she ran away. I finally understood that her being away is her way of resolving her issues. May be, she felt that being away would only bring the rest of us together. May be she felt left out, the fact that she was only my half sister. Perhaps as a family, we should have showed her how much we really cared.

The friendship that Mew and X had reminds me of the friends that I have and often take for granted of. I always feel that nobody cares about me but really, may be they do? I can’t say. It makes me realize how important friends are to a person and that how ones action can affect those around us more than we think. And that in life, if you have a friend, you can go through the storm.

And the relationship between Mew and Tong really made me wonder if in this life, do we really get to find the ONE. What if the one for us already came and left without us even realizing it. And what happens if the one we loved didn’t feel the same way? I have been rejected many times in my life. I never knew why it happens but it does.

Ultimately, I discovered that the thing about life is, we have to discover who we really are and what we want to be. Without which, life would be nothing more than just a senseless routine. Which is basically what I am leading now. Looking back at the past month that I spent backpacking SEA, I realize how happy I was not then although I was a penniless destitute. And now, even though I am better financially, I just cannot feel that happy. Life is just so hard when you have no reason, direction or even someone to share your thoughts and feelings with. Must life really be this hard? One of the scenes that really knocked sense into me was when Mew was sleeping with Tong and he said, “ I’ve been lonely for 5 years since you left. And it is scary.” This is true. Very true.

what a life

of recent days, my mood has been on a downhill. why do things have to be so complex. i've been trying to grapple with the fact that i'm single now and its hard. it really is. i have no company around me. i have so much to say but no one to say it too. is it possible that i'm going through some form of mid-life crisis? it just sucks when you don't have anyone around you that you can trust. i don't know. i need a friend. someone i can confide in. someone who listens and gives me valuable advice. i can't believe that even after being friends for 10 years, we still can't get along well. life is so much harder alone.

i don't know why its so hard for me to make friends. i wish i could...

my life is a complete mess right now and i have completely no one to turn to. i have no one. i feel so lonely and left out of the world. nothing is going my way and i just need something in my life to be right. just something. i enjoy the freedom of singlehood but i miss the days where i had someone's arms to run to. the days where i had to report my daily activities. i miss him. now that i have all this freedom, i don't know what to do with it.

been struggling with a lot of problems on my own. but basically, all i concluded was that, i do not know who i am. i have lost all my identity. it has come to a point where nothing i ever did in the past 22 years was right. nothing i invested in last to this far. is there a problem with me? why do i have so many friends and yet still feel so lonely inside? why do i feel that although everyone hears me, no one is actually listening. am i that blank that people can just look through me? what did i do wrong that made me so obsolete... who am i? where am i?i don't know. for once in my life, i actually don't know.

will i ever find someone who will make me eternally happy? or have i found that person and let him go?

break ups

break ups are hard. with every step forward, i move two steps back. i'm missing you like crazy but there is nothing i can do. 2 years we built our dreams and within seconds everything is destroyed. sometimes, love just ain't enough... we both loved each other to bits but when we don't see a direction in our relationship, it 's best to end it while we still have wonderful memories to hold on to. you are my soulmate. no matter what happens. its better to have had true love and lost than never to have been loved at all... goodbye my dear. may the memories we shared be etched in the corners of your mind... i'm setting you free...so fly....

whats been going on?

i have been missing from the blogging world for the longest time. and truthfully, i miss writing. so today, out of boredom i decided to take time off work and blog surf and ergo, was inspired to write a bit to unload the many emotions i've bottled up inside me. pardon the writing because this is totally unplanned.

so, i've been really busy recently with school and stuff. whoever said being an undergraduate was fun should seriously be shot in the head. i've been swarmed with work, i hardly have any room to breathe. even i am writing now, i am amidst editing my report due the end of the week. one of the sad things about being a student in singapore is the stiff competition. everyone is out there to kill each other and there is just no room to slacken. assignment after assignment,project after project and the next thing you know you are at the end of the road with exams only weeks away! the stress is really building up and it doesn't help that everyone else is out there living out their lives. like seriously, what the hell am i doing?

i met up with a couple of friends recently and at every meeting, the table-talk is the same. marriage and career...is that all there is in life? it is so sad that at 22, my friends are all planning out their weddings and the number of children they want! don't get me wrong, i think these are really beautiful things to think about but i guess...i'm just not ready... my bestfriend is planning to get married in 2 years and have children by 27. by 27, i still want to live life and see the world. why tie yourself down so early? i just don't get it. now, i begin to question, is it really time to think about all this? in less than a decade, all our lives would have changed. am i still going to live in this denial that life will always be the same? will i still have my friends? will they still have time for me? with all of them planning out weddings and stuff...i highly doubt so. so this made me think, when all of them eventually settle down, what is going to happen to me? will i ever get married? will i have children? is it even possible? do i really want to get married? or am i only pressured by societal norms to do so? i just wonder, what do gays like me think? what future do guys like us think about?

and career, huh! i can't believe it...i enter university, certain that linguistics is it for me. i was dead on about working in the media industry. only to have my plans crumble in front of my face! i've been trying to get an internship over the summer break but nothing seems to be suitable and frankly,i am getting frustrated. what prospects is there for a linguist like me in this tiny island? and now, i am questioning if i should even switch my major. torn between interest and career prospects....how cliche...

suddenly, i realise.. may be my dreams of moving to canada is not so much because of the appeal of the country per se. but more of the push factors i have to face from my own country. may be i just want to get out of this life i have led for the past 22 years and live a life that is truely mine. living my dreams and playing by my rules...

anyway, on a lighter note, i decided that i really need to escape from all this crap i am facing. and hence, i decided to do some community work in cambodia right after my exams. i hope that will put my mind off things and i can really start doing some soul searching....

sawat dii khrap!

ok... i haven updated this blog in ages. frankly, i'm losing touch. again. hahaha...but before i completely lose track of it, i better make an attempt to write something.

actually, the reason i have not written anything, is because, i can't seem to think of anything to write about and my life has been a bore of recent. even i can't stand living it. so i wouldn't want to put anyone into the hassle of actually reading it. but i guess, once in awhile, i should write.firstly, to better my literary skills and also be reminded of the arduous journey of life that i have gone through.

so recently, i have learnt to come to terms with myself. i have been doing this module on performance identity and what intrigued me was the fact that as human beings, we can never ever say "this is my identity". this is who i am. there is just no such thing. yes, there is such a thing as core identity. but most, if not all, of the time, we are changing our identity to suite our surroundings and the people around us. this is so that we remain relevant in the current situation that we are in. having said that, we should note that no one can truly understand anyone unless they know the person long enough to see him in different situations and is able to identify the other party's core identity. so, its ok if you think you are misunderstood. so is the rest of the world!

now, what is core identity? core identity is basically the one element that remains constant no matter what situation you are in. for example, being gay. you may be gay and happy at one situation while gay and cynical at another situation but at the end of the day, no matter what situation you are in, you are still gay. hence, being gay, would be your core identity.

after blabbering on and on about this hypothesis, i would like to talk about myself. basically, i was a happy,outspoken, confident individual in the past. but as i grew up, i realise that i have become a recluse with barely any self confidence. i often wondered why. so, yesterday, i had a talk with my good friend carol and i finally found myself after being lost for the past 9 years or so. i realise that my 180 degree turn in life is because, i have been basically denying my true self and i have not come to terms with my true identity. so, yesterday, i made it public. i finally said it out. I AM GAY! i felt so good after that, i suddenly feel a huge load being removed from my back. for once in my life, i was in complete elysium! fantastic. now, my confidence is back and i am so comfortable in my own skin! so, what is your core identity?

I LIKE BOYS!

ok....i'm back from a long hiatus. a lot has happened since the beginning of the school term and i just can't find the time to blog. now that. i have a breather, i thought i'd do a short write up to get my mind off things.

ok...just a few events to highlight. i celebrated my boyfriend's birthday with a small intimate dinner and a good long talk. really sweet. sometimes i wish i could scream out loud how much i love this guy. hahaha...

hmm.... what else? oh yes...i went to Chinatown for the Chinese New Year Countsown with my bestie Marco and we had a blast! squeezing through the oh-so-crowded streets of Chinatown, enjoying the amazing fireworks display and the awesome fire-cracker display! i swear, i was an arsonist in my previous life. hahaha...loves it! partied all night and was completely shacked the next day.

as usual, on Chinese New Year i had a steamboat reunion dinner at my godma's house and took time to catch up with all my relatives. this is the beauty of being a moggie mix breed! having to celebrate more festivals then usual! hahaha... since i'm an chin-lay-dian, it only means, i get to celebrate thrice as many festivals and collect thrice as many red packets! hahaha...AWE-SOME-NESS!!!

and today, i celebrated mummy's birthday. we went for a simple buffet dinner at Carousel. i was from school and i didnt bring my camera!!! so i didn't manage to get any pictures. how dumb. i know. i can't believe it! my mom's half a century old! hahaha...such an old bird she is...

as for school, as usual, B-O-R-I-N-G! i really hate the fact that there aren't any eye-candy in school. i completely don't have the drive to go to school. i miss those days in ACJC where my morning ritual would involve sitting by the swimming pool eating hot wafer pancakes, watching insanely HOT waterpolo boys having a morning swim in their cute little pink trunks ( yes my school's swimming trunk is pink) hahaha... and eventually being late for assembly. hahaha...now where did those boys go? come out come out wherever you are!

Oh yes! i'm starting Thai tomorrow! i hope i'll get some cute Thai-boy as my tutor!i'm sorry but i just have this thing for thai-boys...they are so illusive and dubious... i like.... :)

the loves of my life.

a decade of LOVE

On Saturday, i had a reunion with a special group of people that shaped my life. these are the friends that i made when i was 12. we have been friends for a decade now and nothing has changed. the love we share for each other is undying! and i can safely say that these people are my family. between then adn now, i have made many friends but. some are still around and others have miraculously made themselves disappear but these 5 guys have stuck together with me through it all. from my un-glamorous days as a nerd in Dunearn Secondary, to the hardcore rebel i was in Anglo- Chinese Junior College and now, the suffering undergraduate in NUS. we've been everywhere together and nothing can tear us apart.

nothing in this world can ever replace the love and companionship that these 5 people have provided me with. although , from time to time, there may be some drama amongst us, at the end of the day, we know that we can rely on each other for support because, no matter what happens, we can be assured that none of us will judge the other and no matter what, we will always accept each other for who we are. that, is what i call...friendship.

sunshine after the storm

After what happened between Wan and I over the pass couple of weeks, we talked about it and came to the conclusion that we shall take a pledge of celibacy. Yes, we decided to stay away from sex for the time being. And work on other aspects of our relationship. So, how did I take it? Not too well. Hahaha…I decided to unleash my sexual energy in other ways. Such as cooking! So, here’s a turkey burger meal that I made for myself! Miam!

my homemade turkey burger, scrambled eggs and french fries

My bestest friend of all times, Carol, came back from her 8-month long exchange programme yesterday. So, we had a lot to catch up on. We basically drove around Singapore looking at developments that she missed and finally sat at West Coach Park beach and talked. She shared with me her experiences from New York, Boston, Seattle, Montreal, and of cause, Vancouver! I am so envious of her but at the same time I am very happy for her too. But above all, I am just thrilled that she is home. Finally my life can return back to what it was before. carol, MZ and yours truly @ West Coast

Today marked the first day of school in NUS. This semester is going to be so fun! I decided to take up a couple of interesting modules such as South East Asian study, South Asian study, Genes, Media and….THAI! yes yes! I’m so excited about Thai. I’m so going to be a multilingual linguist. Hahaha… I decided to put my French on hold for now. Perhaps I’ll take it at the embassy or something. But I’m so excited at being able to speak English, Malay, French and Thai! WEEE!!! Hopefully I’ll get to add Spanish to that collection soon. Hahaha…

Apart from that, I did some thinking today. I just wondered, how much do we know ourselves? And how many of us can say that they are happy just being what they are today? I realize that the reason why I am so unhappy most of the time is because I don’t really know what I want and I can’t seem to appreciate things or people around me. Whoever has a solution to this, please tell me. I really need it…

Lyas

bumped.

i am so sexually deprived recently and it really sucks. you know the feeling....when your whole world is just crumbling in front of your eyes and all you want to do is run into the arms of your loved ones and you just want to know that you are loved.

that was what i felt yesterday after i found out that i had some problems at my tuition centre and on top of that i did not get the modules that i wanted and ended up with the ones that just suck! after that horrid day, i went back to Wan's place and i just wanted him to hug me. it was at that point that i needed to make love so badly. especially since we hadn't had sex for months! so yes,i wanted it. i NEEDED it! i initiated it was started to remove my clothes while passionately kissing him. once i was done, i started giving him a bj. one that i thought was so good that i can't believe it myself. but while i was in the middle of it, he grabbed me and told me, "not tonight, my show is starting"! imagine how angry i was. here i am, lying down naked in front of you, giving you the best bj that you have ever had, and YET i was rejected for a stupid TV show!

i got so pissed after that i just got dressed and left. when i reached home, he still has the guts to ask, "are you ok?"...like seriously! do you not know me at all?! i still can't get over the fact that i got rejected in bed by my own boyfriend on what could possibly be the worst day of my life! bumped!

lyas

family secrets

i met up with my cousin, Fath, today and we had a really good talk. we started sharing our family secrets and it shocked me to find out that you think you know someone so well but in actual fact you don't know them at all. I was caught by surprise by some of the information. it was so overwhelming but i was glad i could talk to her about certain issues and hopefully we'll be able to solve some of the problems.

that brings me to another point. secrets. something that has always been a dilemma to me. secrets are quite tricky to handle. you share a secret and it may cause some damage to those involved but keeping it, eats you from inside. so either way, the truth will always surface. so is it better to come clean or just let it go and let nature take its course?

and what happens if you find out that the family that you have trusted and confide to all this while is not what you thought they were? doesn't it just destroy the whole institution? it breaks the trust and everyone starts to be judgmental with each other....

thats the problem with conservative Asian families. everything is swept under the carpet and everyone behaves like everything is going fine and everything will continue to be good. its so delusional. isn't it going to hurt more when the truth eventually comes out? this is why i envy the western family institution. though some might find their values a tad bit hedonistic, i have no qualms that they are good values. i liek the idea of having a liberal family where everyone just speaks their mind and they know each other's problems and work together as a unit to try and resolve the matter. it's so unlike families here where everyone hides all their dirty laundry thinking that they don't want to burden others with their problems. but what they don't realise that by keeping others in the dark actually hurts others more adn it doesn't solve anything... sometimes i wish i couls just run away from all this now...

lyas

just a follow up.

i'm glad i manage to garner some interest. but i do hope that the word reaches out to others as well. these innocent, helpless creatures need our help now more than ever. they have been patient with our unreasonable demands and have suffered enough. it's about time someone spoke for them. if you felt that the human race has made a mistake now is the time for us to undo the cruelty that has been done.

to date, there are still 12,000 odd bears trapped in these bear farms. 12,000 innocent creatures who are suffering in pain so that we, the 'superior', the supposedly more intelligent being can survive.

the following is an abstract from http://www.animalsasia.org/ :

Cruelty free alternatives to bear bile

Affordable and effective herbal and synthetic options available

Herbs

A report by the Chinese Association of Medicine and Philosophy and EarthCare has established that there are at least 54 herbal alternatives to bear bile, including Chinese ivy stem, dandelion, chrysanthemum, common sage and rhubarb. The alternatives are both cheap and effective.

“I have been a practitioner of Chinese medicine for over 40 years and have never used bear bile. Today we have over 50 herbal alternatives and synthetic medicines, which have the same efficacy as bear bile – there is no need for bears to suffer any longer.”

Professor Liu Zhen Cai, Sichuan, China

“Give up bear gall bladder and use herbal substitutes.”

Dr Lo Yan Wo
National Association of Chinese Medicine
Hong Kong Chinese Herbalist Association, Hong Kong
Practicing Pharmacists Association, Hong Kong

Synthetics

• The active ingredient in bear bile, UDCA, was first synthesised in 1954 in Japan from dead chickens and is proven to be effective in treating liver disease.
  
  
• Ironically, far more synthetic bile is consumed in Asia than bear bile – Japan, Korea and China together consume 100 tonnes of synthetic bile annually. (World consumption is estimated to be double this figure.)
  
  
• Synthesised UDCA (using cow or pig bile – and even no animal parts) is a safe medicine with no side effects. It has been successfully used worldwide to treat gallstones, primary cirrhosis, auto-immune hepatitis and colon cancer.
  
  
• The generic drug name for UDCA is ursodiol. Brand names for UDCA include Actigall and Urso (US); Destolit, Urdox, Ursofalk, and Ursogal (UK); Ursotan (South Africa).
  
  
• Clinical studies are currently being conducted on the use of UDCA in the treatment of chronic hepatitis C and cancer.
  
  
• The latest medical research in 2002 in America, has shown that bile acid is able to cross the blood-brain barrier and may be beneficial in treating Parkinson's, Huntington's and Alzheimer's disease. Researchers stress that this bile acid can be produced synthetically.
  
  
• Professor Clifford J Steer MD, Professor of Medicine and Genetics, Cell Biology and Development, University of Minnesota, is at the forefront of groundbreaking research into the application of synthetic UDCA in the treatment of Huntington's Disease. He has confirmed that UDCA can be synthesised without the use of animals – and costs pennies to produce.

there are alternatives. so lets work together to end this trade...

the human kind at its worst

I was watching Animal Planet last night while I was killing time at my granddad’s and I came across a program that caught my eye. It was called ‘China Uncovered’ and it was talking about the bear farming trade in the country. Although the authorities have stopped issuing license for bear farming since 1994, there are still quite a number of bear farms that are still operating. Although I am not a big fan of bears, their cry for help was so apparent, it touched me in more ways than one. I figured, this is what I want to do. I want to be a wildlife conservationist. Yes, it is a far cry from where I am right now but it doesn’t hurt to dream does it?

the appalling conditions of the Moon Bears

So, for starters, I am going to cry to spread the word about the conservation of the Moon bears of China. Currently, 12,000 bears are held captive in tiny cages with very little space to move about and not to forget, some even have metal pipes stuck up there gall bladder, used for the extraction of their bile which is used in Traditional Chinese Medicine.

the unsanitary condition of the bear farms

Can you imagine the amount of pain we are inflicting on these poor creatures for our own selfish needs? Imagine yourself trapped in a cage so small that you can’t even turn yourself around. On top of that, you are permanently strapped to a metal jacket with a pipe stuck up your gall bladder. And to add on to that, you have no access to food or water other than being fed with a bowl of honey-ed water each day. Such is the fate of these poor creatures.

Strapped to a metal jacket

With such limited space to move about, the only movement that these creatures can make is to turn their head side to side. Some of them have never even touched ground before. To prevent attacks, bear-farmers have cruelly declawed these bears and some even filed their fangs down to the roots. And those that were spared, destroy their teeth my chewing onto the metal bars of their cages out of boredom.

bear chewing the bars of its cage.
shows the psychological pain they are in.

This just goes to show the psychological pain that they are put through on top of the physical pain and discomfort caused by the metal jacket and pipe poking their gall bladder. As such, bears are dying at an alarming rate and to counter this, farmers are breeding them at an alarming rate. Thus, causing the farms to be overcrowded with hundreds of bears at any one time. Even so, it does not stop farmers from illegally poaching bears from the wild.

a wasted life.

Although bears in the wild are considered endangered animals, it is not so in captivity. The last thing we need is for the numbers of captive bears to overpower that in the wild because these bears have never been exposed to the natural elements and can be dangerous if integrated back into the wild. Although Moon Bears are highly sociable, they have no clue on how to fend for themselves in the wild. They have lost their natural instincts. So, the only other humane alternative is for rescued bears to spend the rest of their lives in bear sanctuaries such as those set up by Animal Asia.

a desperate cry for help

So, lets all do our parts. Spread the word. Stop buying. And donate what you can to help these poor creatures that have already done so much for us. It is only humane for us to return this favor. You can do so by visiting this website, https://www.animalsasia.org/donate/ . A little kind gesture goes a long way…

help

uber lame!

ok ok... here's the thing. as it turns out...i am bored. yup...no big surprise there. so, i explored my mac and guess what i found! haha...the photobooth! hahaha ...that's when i decided to whore a little to try out some of the effects. so here's what i got. i'm telling you! everyone should get a Mac! its simply, MACnificent! so anyway, i have this thing about naming all of my most favourite items. like my cactus being Isis and my camera being Scotty and my favourite pillow being Mel. but somehow, i haven't gotten a chance to name my dear MacBook... any suggestions? how about Glenn or Maxell? hmmm... so anyway, here are some of the photos!

thats me in Paris

me being drawn with chalk

my sis, nephew and yours truly

this is how the world would look like if i had a twin

and the oh-so-famous Mac PopArt effect!

so, today i completed watching my all-time favourite tv series, Brothers and Sisters. for those of you who follows the show, i personally think Scotty is HOT! In a very cute, loving and caring husband kind of way. and i truly think that Scotty and Kevin make such a cute couple! as you can see, i am bored as hell! come on peeps! entertain me!