reflection

I watched “rak heng siam” or” Love of Siam” today with my bestfriend. And I managed to do ome thinking and some reflection. The reason why I was so attracted to the show was not only because my idol acted in it or the fact that the story was in thai but also because the story touches on a very important issue in life that we all know exist but somehow, we manage to deceive ourselves to believe that we know what it means.

After watching the show, I told myself that I need to pen down my thoughts because I feel that its important for me to remember these thoughts before I immerse myself with the other unimportant events in my life. The showed me the complexity of this thing called love. Something that I thought I understood but only to realize that I cannot comprehend its true meaning. The show portrayed the relationships within a family and the different dynamics that exist between the different members of the family. It also touches on the importance of friendship and of cause, it talks about the difficulties of romantic relationships.

Looking at the relationship that Tong had with his sister reminded me of the lost relationship that I had with my sister who is no longer in my life. I understood why she ran away. I finally understood that her being away is her way of resolving her issues. May be, she felt that being away would only bring the rest of us together. May be she felt left out, the fact that she was only my half sister. Perhaps as a family, we should have showed her how much we really cared.

The friendship that Mew and X had reminds me of the friends that I have and often take for granted of. I always feel that nobody cares about me but really, may be they do? I can’t say. It makes me realize how important friends are to a person and that how ones action can affect those around us more than we think. And that in life, if you have a friend, you can go through the storm.

And the relationship between Mew and Tong really made me wonder if in this life, do we really get to find the ONE. What if the one for us already came and left without us even realizing it. And what happens if the one we loved didn’t feel the same way? I have been rejected many times in my life. I never knew why it happens but it does.

Ultimately, I discovered that the thing about life is, we have to discover who we really are and what we want to be. Without which, life would be nothing more than just a senseless routine. Which is basically what I am leading now. Looking back at the past month that I spent backpacking SEA, I realize how happy I was not then although I was a penniless destitute. And now, even though I am better financially, I just cannot feel that happy. Life is just so hard when you have no reason, direction or even someone to share your thoughts and feelings with. Must life really be this hard? One of the scenes that really knocked sense into me was when Mew was sleeping with Tong and he said, “ I’ve been lonely for 5 years since you left. And it is scary.” This is true. Very true.

what a life

of recent days, my mood has been on a downhill. why do things have to be so complex. i've been trying to grapple with the fact that i'm single now and its hard. it really is. i have no company around me. i have so much to say but no one to say it too. is it possible that i'm going through some form of mid-life crisis? it just sucks when you don't have anyone around you that you can trust. i don't know. i need a friend. someone i can confide in. someone who listens and gives me valuable advice. i can't believe that even after being friends for 10 years, we still can't get along well. life is so much harder alone.

i don't know why its so hard for me to make friends. i wish i could...

my life is a complete mess right now and i have completely no one to turn to. i have no one. i feel so lonely and left out of the world. nothing is going my way and i just need something in my life to be right. just something. i enjoy the freedom of singlehood but i miss the days where i had someone's arms to run to. the days where i had to report my daily activities. i miss him. now that i have all this freedom, i don't know what to do with it.

been struggling with a lot of problems on my own. but basically, all i concluded was that, i do not know who i am. i have lost all my identity. it has come to a point where nothing i ever did in the past 22 years was right. nothing i invested in last to this far. is there a problem with me? why do i have so many friends and yet still feel so lonely inside? why do i feel that although everyone hears me, no one is actually listening. am i that blank that people can just look through me? what did i do wrong that made me so obsolete... who am i? where am i?i don't know. for once in my life, i actually don't know.

will i ever find someone who will make me eternally happy? or have i found that person and let him go?

break ups

break ups are hard. with every step forward, i move two steps back. i'm missing you like crazy but there is nothing i can do. 2 years we built our dreams and within seconds everything is destroyed. sometimes, love just ain't enough... we both loved each other to bits but when we don't see a direction in our relationship, it 's best to end it while we still have wonderful memories to hold on to. you are my soulmate. no matter what happens. its better to have had true love and lost than never to have been loved at all... goodbye my dear. may the memories we shared be etched in the corners of your mind... i'm setting you free...so fly....

whats been going on?

i have been missing from the blogging world for the longest time. and truthfully, i miss writing. so today, out of boredom i decided to take time off work and blog surf and ergo, was inspired to write a bit to unload the many emotions i've bottled up inside me. pardon the writing because this is totally unplanned.

so, i've been really busy recently with school and stuff. whoever said being an undergraduate was fun should seriously be shot in the head. i've been swarmed with work, i hardly have any room to breathe. even i am writing now, i am amidst editing my report due the end of the week. one of the sad things about being a student in singapore is the stiff competition. everyone is out there to kill each other and there is just no room to slacken. assignment after assignment,project after project and the next thing you know you are at the end of the road with exams only weeks away! the stress is really building up and it doesn't help that everyone else is out there living out their lives. like seriously, what the hell am i doing?

i met up with a couple of friends recently and at every meeting, the table-talk is the same. marriage and career...is that all there is in life? it is so sad that at 22, my friends are all planning out their weddings and the number of children they want! don't get me wrong, i think these are really beautiful things to think about but i guess...i'm just not ready... my bestfriend is planning to get married in 2 years and have children by 27. by 27, i still want to live life and see the world. why tie yourself down so early? i just don't get it. now, i begin to question, is it really time to think about all this? in less than a decade, all our lives would have changed. am i still going to live in this denial that life will always be the same? will i still have my friends? will they still have time for me? with all of them planning out weddings and stuff...i highly doubt so. so this made me think, when all of them eventually settle down, what is going to happen to me? will i ever get married? will i have children? is it even possible? do i really want to get married? or am i only pressured by societal norms to do so? i just wonder, what do gays like me think? what future do guys like us think about?

and career, huh! i can't believe it...i enter university, certain that linguistics is it for me. i was dead on about working in the media industry. only to have my plans crumble in front of my face! i've been trying to get an internship over the summer break but nothing seems to be suitable and frankly,i am getting frustrated. what prospects is there for a linguist like me in this tiny island? and now, i am questioning if i should even switch my major. torn between interest and career prospects....how cliche...

suddenly, i realise.. may be my dreams of moving to canada is not so much because of the appeal of the country per se. but more of the push factors i have to face from my own country. may be i just want to get out of this life i have led for the past 22 years and live a life that is truely mine. living my dreams and playing by my rules...

anyway, on a lighter note, i decided that i really need to escape from all this crap i am facing. and hence, i decided to do some community work in cambodia right after my exams. i hope that will put my mind off things and i can really start doing some soul searching....

sawat dii khrap!

ok... i haven updated this blog in ages. frankly, i'm losing touch. again. hahaha...but before i completely lose track of it, i better make an attempt to write something.

actually, the reason i have not written anything, is because, i can't seem to think of anything to write about and my life has been a bore of recent. even i can't stand living it. so i wouldn't want to put anyone into the hassle of actually reading it. but i guess, once in awhile, i should write.firstly, to better my literary skills and also be reminded of the arduous journey of life that i have gone through.

so recently, i have learnt to come to terms with myself. i have been doing this module on performance identity and what intrigued me was the fact that as human beings, we can never ever say "this is my identity". this is who i am. there is just no such thing. yes, there is such a thing as core identity. but most, if not all, of the time, we are changing our identity to suite our surroundings and the people around us. this is so that we remain relevant in the current situation that we are in. having said that, we should note that no one can truly understand anyone unless they know the person long enough to see him in different situations and is able to identify the other party's core identity. so, its ok if you think you are misunderstood. so is the rest of the world!

now, what is core identity? core identity is basically the one element that remains constant no matter what situation you are in. for example, being gay. you may be gay and happy at one situation while gay and cynical at another situation but at the end of the day, no matter what situation you are in, you are still gay. hence, being gay, would be your core identity.

after blabbering on and on about this hypothesis, i would like to talk about myself. basically, i was a happy,outspoken, confident individual in the past. but as i grew up, i realise that i have become a recluse with barely any self confidence. i often wondered why. so, yesterday, i had a talk with my good friend carol and i finally found myself after being lost for the past 9 years or so. i realise that my 180 degree turn in life is because, i have been basically denying my true self and i have not come to terms with my true identity. so, yesterday, i made it public. i finally said it out. I AM GAY! i felt so good after that, i suddenly feel a huge load being removed from my back. for once in my life, i was in complete elysium! fantastic. now, my confidence is back and i am so comfortable in my own skin! so, what is your core identity?

I LIKE BOYS!

ok....i'm back from a long hiatus. a lot has happened since the beginning of the school term and i just can't find the time to blog. now that. i have a breather, i thought i'd do a short write up to get my mind off things.

ok...just a few events to highlight. i celebrated my boyfriend's birthday with a small intimate dinner and a good long talk. really sweet. sometimes i wish i could scream out loud how much i love this guy. hahaha...

hmm.... what else? oh yes...i went to Chinatown for the Chinese New Year Countsown with my bestie Marco and we had a blast! squeezing through the oh-so-crowded streets of Chinatown, enjoying the amazing fireworks display and the awesome fire-cracker display! i swear, i was an arsonist in my previous life. hahaha...loves it! partied all night and was completely shacked the next day.

as usual, on Chinese New Year i had a steamboat reunion dinner at my godma's house and took time to catch up with all my relatives. this is the beauty of being a moggie mix breed! having to celebrate more festivals then usual! hahaha... since i'm an chin-lay-dian, it only means, i get to celebrate thrice as many festivals and collect thrice as many red packets! hahaha...AWE-SOME-NESS!!!

and today, i celebrated mummy's birthday. we went for a simple buffet dinner at Carousel. i was from school and i didnt bring my camera!!! so i didn't manage to get any pictures. how dumb. i know. i can't believe it! my mom's half a century old! hahaha...such an old bird she is...

as for school, as usual, B-O-R-I-N-G! i really hate the fact that there aren't any eye-candy in school. i completely don't have the drive to go to school. i miss those days in ACJC where my morning ritual would involve sitting by the swimming pool eating hot wafer pancakes, watching insanely HOT waterpolo boys having a morning swim in their cute little pink trunks ( yes my school's swimming trunk is pink) hahaha... and eventually being late for assembly. hahaha...now where did those boys go? come out come out wherever you are!

Oh yes! i'm starting Thai tomorrow! i hope i'll get some cute Thai-boy as my tutor!i'm sorry but i just have this thing for thai-boys...they are so illusive and dubious... i like.... :)